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Aries: (March 21—April 19)
There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You are possessed with abilities far beyond those of mortal man, but if your super-heroic origin story ever got out, no one would take you seriously.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You thought you'd seen the worst humanity had to offer, but that was before you read fan-fiction set in an alternate universe where Hawkeye Pierce and Father Mulcahy are lovers.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
There will finally be a call for restraint among athletes, but not before Joe Horn does a taunting victory dance over the burst ribcages of your family.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
With winter upon us, it's time to reflect, take stock of our lives, and maybe wear a skirt that covers your thighs, you slut.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Somehow, you don't believe your boss when he tells you that your coworker of 12 years went off to live with a nice family on a beautiful farm.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
It's often hard to say goodbye, but that doesn't excuse your practice of throwing down a smoke bomb and escaping in the confusion.
There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You are possessed with abilities far beyond those of mortal man, but if your super-heroic origin story ever got out, no one would take you seriously.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You thought you'd seen the worst humanity had to offer, but that was before you read fan-fiction set in an alternate universe where Hawkeye Pierce and Father Mulcahy are lovers.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
There will finally be a call for restraint among athletes, but not before Joe Horn does a taunting victory dance over the burst ribcages of your family.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
With winter upon us, it's time to reflect, take stock of our lives, and maybe wear a skirt that covers your thighs, you slut.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Somehow, you don't believe your boss when he tells you that your coworker of 12 years went off to live with a nice family on a beautiful farm.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
It's often hard to say goodbye, but that doesn't excuse your practice of throwing down a smoke bomb and escaping in the confusion.