Take Jim Nantz's and Phil Simms's commentary tracks from a game of Madden 13, feed it through Windows 8's voice recognition system, and enjoy what Joel McHale once called, during the first incarnation of Spaghetti Cat, "for lack of a better word, art." The Cold War burns hot and Hollywood looms and gender politics arise....

This is a time when the quarterback as the backs the clock has to be very careful trailing 18 points to get back into this one time is running out of the DB is playing with publish them knowing what a great fan of his final outcome of an Alemany warning good job here by the quarterback he doesn't like what he sees on the side Soviets changing the way to the receivers by government lands a bottle main house on their bob Levey made all but the enough that we have a football in your hands they are not talking to god and all that is a ballcarrier protect a lot better off and slides of your first and 10 years to get the Michael charter of rights away brought down in the morning of nine

But the events of the medical

The formation here shotgun challenging that ball as big of an here we go as guides across the Andes and that's down and talk about getting your team full of almost if they get everything on your side have not been intercepted by the demands of them taken a back hallway of the school extra point is that all the way it's going to

Theater sets a kickoff

Each drop down at the 23 yard line

Kind of this one's body of David B. Vance knows it needs a dollar stop first down at 10 attack was made at the 40 yard line will ever want to get all wrong idea that was a nice job of them running back good job of rod sustain the box office Gotta be happy with that crime is beginning to fade by the quarterback bill was his team still has a chance of putting something covering there's a player out of the old raiders on their way out of a hit this tale by the body language of the ways that that is an upper body and read all the stops of your wallet $2.00 and as we climbed out of the events comes out in the middle set it down 11 field of battle and he's battled back of the keyboard yard line the job ads out of the corvette back of a short pass even know the result of a first down Belmont Park short all of your passes are in play and said thin the morning in the second half

Miracles do happen as the validity one probably doubled as all this is not what you'd call a airtight contract at the sample the small fry toward the middle of the deal guaranteed coverage income poilong line of quarterback stands alone in the backfield are now the nets and looking across the middle wide alibi for the catch good job of receiver that sounded good for mobile yards gets a force doubt they are largely was the other david's reacts he's tplayers from both sides made an appeal by the referees saves all the demands able to move the chains after that building a shotgun they're looking for help with receive a rather write and he's also got about as good job of the offense of the verse doubt that the vans absolutefirst down press coverage all the way quarterback taking the snap of the shotgun he makes the catch no surprise then she would call a timeout plate number six coming up on this drive sat down and Ceo Michael Turner takes them and all wasting little time the all that stands, line by the seventh play of the dried stand back to the quarterback of the god squad and lesbian route about
Here's what I did today:

I'm hoping this might be the first of the "Tiny Takes" series, but no promises just yet.
The heat is threatening to break and pigskin is in full bloom. And a three-day weekend helps matters tremendously. It makes me happy in the deepest pits of my brainmeats.

32 pics below.... )
sigma7: Sims (Sims)
( May. 2nd, 2012 06:15 pm)
I own five, maybe six football jerseys. They're all of the same player: twelve-time Pro Bowler and future Hall of Famer (Tiaina Baul) Junior Seau. I named the main character in my thesis after him. Have his action figures, have a collectible card of him dressed up like a stealth fighter. Calling him my favorite professional athlete is...yeah, pretty much right on the money.

And now he's dead at 43. Yes, this brings the '94 Chargers death toll up to eight, but none of them could be as much of a gutpunch as this (and nothing as shocking, reminding me too much of the sudden loss of Reggie Lewis 19 years ago). For now, probably the definitive word on the man comes from Eric Olsen, offensive lineman for the New Orleans Saints (distilled from his Twitter feed):

Wow this is a tough one.. When I was a frosh in HS Junior Seau worked the Jay Fiedler Football camp and at the end of one of the days he challenged any1 to a 1 on 1. Being one of the 'big' kids, I was volunteered by my buddies and went up in front of the whole camp to face...This monster of a man. Shaking in my cleats, he gave me a wink before a coach gave the cadence. He let me pancake him. And he sold it too...I can't even tell you how good I felt at that moment; it changed me forever. The whole camp cheered for me, a chubby kid that didn't know...If he even liked football. From then on I was addicted. All thanks 2 this 10 time all-pro that felt like making some snot-nosed kid's day...Doesn't seem like much but it meant a lot to me. Sorry for the essay just had to share. RIP Junior I'll never forget what you did for me.

In 1997, Junior won the NFL's Man of the Year award. Ten years earlier, Dave Duerson won that award. Last year Duerson texted his family to say that he wanted to donate his brain for research into the links between professional football and degenerative brain damage, then killed himself with a gunshot to the chest.

Former teammate turned commentator Marcellus Wiley said "Today is the worst day." I hate to admit it, but he's right. A flash of the lightning, a break of the wave....

So, yeah. Picspam. Many of these are (as Junior was) always in motion, so be prepared. Also find what appears to be a storyboard of the first draft of the Avengers script before Joss tightened it up. 36 pics below.... )
So today is the Superb Owl XVLI, one of the few remaining occasions in American culture in which we still use Roman numerals. Some of you care only because of the commercials. Some of you only care because of Puppy Bowl VIII. Some of you go to great lengths not to care at all. Me, even though none of my favorite teams really came close to making it this year (New Orleans came within spittin' distance, but Drew Brees will have to settle for his team's victory in Madden Bowl -- seriously) and still I find myself intrigued. It's the pinnacle of my favorite sport, steeped in tradition and ritual and fanfare. Someone's going home tonight recognized as one of the best ever in their profession, and quite a few are going to stagger home with broken hearts. And that's all we know. The narrative will write itself out on the gridiron in white chalk and cleat marks. Something's going to happen that will make our jaws drop. I just hope it's not at halftime (Madonna? Seriously?).

55 pics below.... )
So I think Shit My Dad Says creator and San Diego Chargers fan Justin Halperin eloquently and concisely encapsulated my reaction to the news of BRING ME THE SKULL OF Norv Turner and AJ Smith being rehired:


Seriously, do that for about three hours as loud as you can in your head and that's where my internal monologue went. But it merely postpones the inevitable. I can haz skull.

64 pics below.... )
sigma7: (Butcher)
( Jan. 3rd, 2012 04:42 pm)
Coach Norv Turner and general manager A.J. Smith will get another chance to try to lead the San Diego Chargers back to the playoffs, the team announced Tuesday....

...San Diego has won only one playoff game in the last four seasons. Its last postseason appearance was an embarrassing home loss to the New York Jets in January 2010. The Chargers responded to that defeat by giving Turner a contract extension...


Neither AJ Smith nor Dean Spanos particularly needs to remain intact.
As noted by [livejournal.com profile] beagle1971 -- seven of the 53 members of the 1994 San Diego Chargers (who made it to, and got obliterated in, Super Bowl XXIX) have died before the age of 45. Linebacker David Griggs died in a self-inflicted DUI a month after receiving his AFC championship ring, running back Rodney Culver was killed in the ValuJet plane crash in the Everglades, and linebacker Doug Miller was struck by lightning -- twice. That's just cruel.

Speaking of inherent cruelty, I found 2011 playoff odds. If these numbers are to be believed, the Chefs are not mathematically eliminated. Granted, 0.6% is the smallest nonzero probability in the 32 teams, but that's better than Cleveland, Jacksonville, Indy, Washington, Minnesota, Carolina, Tampa Bay or St. Louis. The Bolts are hovering at 5.2%, which is delusionally optimistic, but that's math for you. The only team in the AFC to clinch so far is Houston, which has never been to the playoffs before. So, uhm, that's...atypical.

Interestingly, the Jaguars have placed 27 players on injured reserve this year. That's more than half a roster. At least they're still alive.
Todd "Bro" Haley fired. A bit unfair given the hole injuries put him in this season (Pioli put them in their no-redundancies scheme more than Haley did), but after losing yesterday, the way they did yesterday (seriously, 81 yards of penalties in one drive?),

To make matters worse, he's replaced by Romeo Crennel on an interim basis, because apparently Jim Zorn wasn't available (oh, wait, he was). Maybe y'all should've just let the team coach themselves by consensus.

And if Pioli brings in Josh McDaniels, I may add a new skull to my wishlist.
It is mathematically possible for both the Chefs and the Bolts to make the playoffs. This season.

Seriously, check the math.

It is exceptionally unlikely -- both teams would have to run the table and the Patriots would have to die in a plane crash or disappear into another dimension -- but it's not impossible. Though, even if we were to assume that the possibility of winning every game is a straight 50/50 (and San Diego, Kansas City and whoever plays New England are all going to be underdogs from here on out), those odds are 1-in-32768.

But I'm okay with the Bolts pancaking the rest of the season, because there's only one thing on my Christmas list this year. Yes, the skull of Norv Turner. And if you have to wait until January 2 to get it to me, I...reluctantly understand. I am magnanimous and gracious in my unrelenting thirst for a specific set of headbones.
The Chefs are saying that brand-new KC quarterback Kyle Orton will get a shot at playing next week after the slightly-less-than-stellar performance of the tremor-inducing Tyler Palko. Palko's quarterback rating this season is a glacial 47.5. Note that if Palko had thrown nothing but incompletions, his rating would be 39.6.

As for the Bolts, yesterday was the final nail in Norv Turner's coffin, though his skull still remains high atop my Christmas list. The only question is whether or not general manager idiot savant AJ Smith follows him, and honestly, aside from inertia, there's no damn reason why not. Still, this season is the bitter fever of delusion before the sickness is expunged. Just five more weeks of undeniably mediocre football to sit through. Nice to know Nick Novak isn't the only one pissing the season away. Literally. (Dude, there are cameras here.)

46 pics below.... )
Tonight, Community and Thursday Night Football, New York Jets at the Denver Tebow. I'm not sure if Community or the Broncos option offense will last longer, but I know at least one of them is going to get drilled into the ribs and planted into the ground, and it's probably the wrong one. I know I'd rather watch "Remedial Chaos Theory" repeatedly more than most NFL games, and that's saying something.

62 pics below.... )
Not a fantastic weekend of athletic diversion. As of this writing, Philip Rivers has thrown for four touchdowns. Pity two of them were to the wrong team. Dammit, Phil, you're making life very difficult for even your most devout apologists. Sigh. Still, I blame Norv Turner. Have I mentioned that I need you to bring me the skull of Norv Turner? 'Cause I do. 46 pics below.... )
sigma7: Sims (NFL)
( Nov. 1st, 2011 12:14 pm)
All blame goes to [livejournal.com profile] daethkow: Idiot Football Coach.

It's been said, many times, many ways, BRING ME THE SKULL OF NORV TURNER.
Of course, every picspam comes with the plea that someone, anyone should BRING ME THE SKULL OF NORV TURNER, just tonight more than most. It's Bolts-Chefs (aka the Divided Loyalty Bowl) on Monday Night Football, and given that this weekend was an absolute pigskin suckfest, I'm...worried. As long as nobody gets critically injured (and the Chargers stop putting concussed players back into the game to the point where they have seizures on the flight home for Christ's sake) then I'll be...eh, somewhat satisfied. That said, Phil, your team is the blue-and-yellow, not the red-and-white, okay? There WILL be a quiz, a 60-minute-long quiz. 65 pics below.... )
sigma7: Sims (NFL)
( Oct. 2nd, 2011 08:03 pm)
Oh, Tony Romo. You're playing so badly that you're pissing me off, and I don't like you or the Cowboys. Please keep it up; it's hysterical. Also, Calvin Johnson -- damn. You have earned the right to call yourself "Megatron" or whatever other Transformers-based nickname you want. Though "Calvinus Prime" still has a certain ring to it. Also tests positive for energon cubes.

Damn, break up da Chefs! No more #32 in the power rankings no more! I'm sure Ryan Succop is all, "Who's Mr. Irrelevant now, bitches?" Also, if I were a quarterback in this league, the first thing I would be afraid of is Tamba Hali. Force of nature, that man.

Redskins safety Oshiomogho Atogwe is a comic book geek. “The Red Hulk’s craaazy. Craaaaaaaaazy.” I can't tell you how happy this makes me.

Houston would've beaten Pittsburgh by about a billion points if they hadn't tried to systematically commit every penalty in the playbook. Made the game more watchable, at least.

I give Tony Sparano 18 more hours of employment at best. (Note quarterbacks playing against San Diego: account for Eric Weddle on every play in the last six minutes of the game.) Also my favorite description of Philip Rivers in a long time -- "who one of these days will forget to release the ball at the end of his motion and wind up throwing himself fifty yards." [Edit: okay, so apparently he's safe through the bye week. What. The. Hell. If you're going to make a coaching change mid-season (and given Miami's 0-4 record and disgusting public flirtation with the now-taken Jim Harbaugh, do you really see this relationship panning out?), do it during the bye week. Give your team some time to adapt. Unless, of course, you've written off the season already, and honestly, firing your coach is a pretty telltale sign that you have.]


In other news, my NCAA Football 12 Road to Glory running back is just starting his junior year, having won the Heisman his sophomore year. Oh, and leading his team to two perfect undefeated consecutive seasons (beating Utah in the Orange Bowl last year). Naturally, they're ranked 19th going into the next season. The polling AI is still appallingly lifelike in its capriciousness. Probably because our QB is dumber than a bag of hammers and thinks (along with our coach) that he's an option threat (hint: he's not -- ranked 76 overall, which confers the speed and agility of your average kitchen stove) and gives up on passing plays before anyone can run a route. If I could, I'd totally organize a soap party with the rest of the team. I just hope he's graduating soon.


Finally -- congrats, homecoming queen Mariah Slick.
Former New Orleans Saints player Steve Gleason, who has been diagnosed with ALS, was presented with a Super Bowl ring by coach Sean Payton at a surprise party Monday night.

The 34-year-old Gleason revealed Sunday that he is battling ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig's disease; the Saints made him their honorary captain for the game against the Houston Texans. On Monday, besides receiving the ring, Gleason got a key to the city from Mayor Mitch Landrieu....

...Perhaps Gleason will be remembered most for his blocked punt on the night the Louisiana Superdome reopened for the first time after Hurricane Katrina -- a play that stirred an already emotional crowd into a deafening, drink-spilling frenzy. Landrieu on Monday called that play the greatest in Saints franchise history.
I don't think I've ever seen a string of luck hit a sports team as badly as the Kansas City Chiefs have been hammered in the last three weeks. At least, not one that didn't involve a plane crash. The Chefs have lost, in order, their star tight end, their (arguably) best defensive player and their young up-and-coming running back, all out for the season. They've lost their first two games by a combined score of 89-10, and if anything, the losses were worse than the score would indicate. They're the embodiment of the idea of "freefall," and they need a patsy team to cushion the fall. Guess who they're playing next week?

San Diego squeaked a win out in Week 1, then when given several opportunities to claw their way back into the New England game yesterday, politely declined to do so, possibly concerned they'd miss the flight back to California. Apparently the only thing worse than losing your starting tight end is forgetting you have one, and then on the only time you do target him, you throw it straight into the hands of the largest, slowest man east of the Mississippi River. If Philip Rivers and Mike Tolbert had stopped trying to win the game on every down and just cut wood, good things would've happened, but they forced it, and maybe against Minnesota that wins you the game. But not against the Patriots. Vince Jackson played like a man possessed, making at least one stupid-freaky one-handed catch that I thought I'd never see the like of again (until Tony Gonzalez topped it last night). The Bolts are -- just like last year -- finding new and exciting ways to circumvent their own inherent talents by making huge mental mistakes in every facet of the game (particularly coaching BRING ME THE HEAD OF NORV TURNER), which, if nothing else, makes them interesting to watch but frustrating to root for.

Next week will be...picturesque. The three Chiefs I have the most faith in are the kicker, punter and force-of-goddamn-nature Tamba Hali. Hali used to be a defensive lineman, and he's since been retooled into a linebacker. Man could be anything he wanted to on the field; he's probably got the talent for it, and if not, you're not going to tell him otherwise. Quarterback Matt "White" Cassel can be inconsistent, and wide receiving monster Dwayne Bowe can have as good a game as he decides to, but it's a roll of the dice as to whether they drink the Gatorade or the Thorazine before the game. That's exactly the type of team the Chargers have devolved into, just with bigger names and more potential for an explosive day (and a somehow iffier special teams unit).

The sad truth of it is that the Chefs are depleted and discombobulated, probably to the point of being the least coherent team in the league. And they can still beat the Chargers next week.

Unrelated, your college football clip of the week -- Florida State's Kenny Shaw tries to make an exceptional touchdown grab and pays for it dearly:

Shaw's okay, but I remember very clearly thinking he'd been killed on the play.

It's a fun flip from last year, when the NFL had the lockout looming and the NCAA was only vaguely appalling -- now the college ranks seem to be caught in a two way struggle, one an all-out douchefest between conference-defecting teams (even more so than last year) or a scramble to see how many blatant violations a school can commit and incur the mighty wrath of having a handful of players sit out the season opener against perennial juggernaut West Boise State. The NFL -- where coaches like Pete Carroll and players like Reggie Bush escape from their college transgressions unscathed -- suddenly became an institution of laughably pretentious decorum, enforcing penalties on players and coaches for infractions committed while at the college level, which seems deserved if somehow not right; surely Roger Goodell has heard the word ex post facto at some point in his life and is lucky Terrell Pryor and Jim Tressel both know which side their bread's buttered and don't want to challenge this de facto farm club relationship between the NFL and the NCAA. A decently-motivated lawyer could have a hell of a time with this. Pity they're all busy paying Miami players.

So the NFL is the obviously professional league, and the NCAA is its implicitly professional junior corps. The transparency only makes it funnier.

Still, so now the million-dollar level athletes take the field. There are some who're writing off the Colts immediately after Peyton Manning's neck surgery, and I'm one of them. I'm a firm believer in the power of Peyton, as his perennial presence aboard the Manhattan Pretty Birds fantasy team would attest, and especially when your team is geared around his inimitable playmaking skills (which the Colts are and should be), trying to sub in Kerry Collins is like replacing Cate Blanchett with Carol Channing. Actually, Carol Channing might be an improvement over Kerry Collins -- she might be younger, I haven't done the math.

I also had the Chefs in the mix in the AFC West playoff picture until second-year tight end revelation Tony Moeaki tore his ACL while inexplicably playing in the second quarter of KC's last preseason game, and while Moe's not quite the indispensable cog Peyton is, I don't think that there's that much room for error in the AFC playoff hunt; no, not even against BRING ME THE SKULL OF Norv Turner, the Chargers' alleged coach, the man who makes Forrest Gump look like Vince Lombardi. Even without tiny speedster Darren Sproles, even without a coach with a central nervous system, even with their totally well-earned reputation for gnawing their own feet off during the first six weeks of the season, I see the Bolts moving on this year. Maybe the Chefs are in the wildcard mix, but I don't see it happening without Moe.

As for the final two this year, I hate to admit it, but the Pack look better than ever, so they get my pick in the NFC (and I still can't rule out the Saints with Drew under center, and Philly's, as usual, in contention, but only that). It's a toss-up for me in the AFC, but I think the Pats and the Bolts and Pittsburgh are in the mix with the Jets on the outside, if only because I bloody hate the Ryans and have heard enough of their brood for one lifetime and God wants me to suffer by constantly bringing them up. I don't know who makes it in the AFC; I don't think it matters.

Now, the question is, to play Madden with the birds or watch Saints/Packers? Might have to record the game so's I can watch at my leisure with the kids tomorrow. Muffin enjoys being my offensive coordinator.


sigma7: Sims (Default)


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