Pigskin miscellany

[sigma7]

Oh, Tony Romo. You're playing so badly that you're pissing me off, and I don't like you or the Cowboys. Please keep it up; it's hysterical. Also, Calvin Johnson -- damn. You have earned the right to call yourself "Megatron" or whatever other Transformers-based nickname you want. Though "Calvinus Prime" still has a certain ring to it. Also tests positive for energon cubes.

Damn, break up da Chefs! No more #32 in the power rankings no more! I'm sure Ryan Succop is all, "Who's Mr. Irrelevant now, bitches?" Also, if I were a quarterback in this league, the first thing I would be afraid of is Tamba Hali. Force of nature, that man.

Redskins safety Oshiomogho Atogwe is a comic book geek. “The Red Hulk’s craaazy. Craaaaaaaaazy.” I can't tell you how happy this makes me.

Houston would've beaten Pittsburgh by about a billion points if they hadn't tried to systematically commit every penalty in the playbook. Made the game more watchable, at least.

I give Tony Sparano 18 more hours of employment at best. (Note quarterbacks playing against San Diego: account for Eric Weddle on every play in the last six minutes of the game.) Also my favorite description of Philip Rivers in a long time -- "who one of these days will forget to release the ball at the end of his motion and wind up throwing himself fifty yards." [Edit: okay, so apparently he's safe through the bye week. What. The. Hell. If you're going to make a coaching change mid-season (and given Miami's 0-4 record and disgusting public flirtation with the now-taken Jim Harbaugh, do you really see this relationship panning out?), do it during the bye week. Give your team some time to adapt. Unless, of course, you've written off the season already, and honestly, firing your coach is a pretty telltale sign that you have.]

Also, AH HAAA HAAA HAAA WISCONSIN BWAAAA HYAAA HURR HAAA HUK KUH COUGH COUGH HRMMYEAAAHH HAAA HAAA etc.

In other news, my NCAA Football 12 Road to Glory running back is just starting his junior year, having won the Heisman his sophomore year. Oh, and leading his team to two perfect undefeated consecutive seasons (beating Utah in the Orange Bowl last year). Naturally, they're ranked 19th going into the next season. The polling AI is still appallingly lifelike in its capriciousness. Probably because our QB is dumber than a bag of hammers and thinks (along with our coach) that he's an option threat (hint: he's not -- ranked 76 overall, which confers the speed and agility of your average kitchen stove) and gives up on passing plays before anyone can run a route. If I could, I'd totally organize a soap party with the rest of the team. I just hope he's graduating soon.

Also, Arrested Development is comiOH COME ON YOU'VE BEEN SAYING THIS FOR YEARS SHUT UP AND DO IT AND STOP TAUNTING ME DAMMIT.

Finally -- congrats, homecoming queen Mariah Slick.

Comments

[patchsassy.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I'm laughing at Nebraska too. And A&M while I'm at it. HAAAAAAAA.

I finally got to the point that I put on Facebook that I wasn't posting about sports anymore because there are too many people there who are children and can't handle it. This was in response to the Texas A&M fan blocking me because I pointed out last week that her team giving up a 17-point halftime lead probably had less to do with the referees (who were the blame. THEY'RE OUT TO GET A&M, DON'T YOU KNOW?!) and more to do with A&M's sucky ass defense.

Oh, and there might have been something thrown in a few weeks before that about how A&M probably shouldn't whine about the LHN, since they were offered in, and they cannot have it both ways. Then again, they're A&M fans. Sense of entitlement + extremely predisposition for whining incessantly = Texas A&M. (If you didn't read Ivan Maisel's column about A&M when they officially were accepted to the SEC, you should. It was HILARIOUS.)

Apparently, four out of the five teams who jumped conferences recently (A&M, Nebraska, Utah, Colorado) lost yesterday. Pardon me while I point and laugh at their misfortunes.

[dvandom.livejournal.com]

I don't see Nebraska having a better week next week either, against Ohio State. I seem to recall a time when the top three were always some reordering of Nebraska, Florida and Florida State...clearly no longer the case.

[patchsassy.livejournal.com]

But this is also not the Ohio State of old. They'll have their suspended players back, but how much can they impact a team that limped to beat Toledo in the Horseshoe and has lost to Miami and Michigan State?

[sigma7.livejournal.com]

The Huskers were blissfully mediocre for a while after firing Frank Solich for having the temerity to lead the team to a mere 10-3 season and hiring Oakland Raiders castoff Bill Callahan. I confess to being gleeful after hearing about the replacement, because Callahan is about as talented a coaching mind as an arsenic-laced potato with a headset. He kept trying to force an option-based team into a West Coast offense, about like dressing a cat in a bee suit and expecting it to fly. Four years and a 27-22 record later -- abysmal for any team that thinks as highly of itself as Nebraska -- he was finally canned, and they hired Bo Pelini, who is pretty decent.

But yeah, I miss Bill Callahan.

[sigma7.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't have been able to suppress the urge to yell something like "Shut the hell up, Aggie-lover, and GTFO my conference already!"

I'm really sad that I can't edit the entire college roster in my NCAA game, or else I'd do what I used to do for Madden on the PC and dock every Nebraska player's statistic about 30 points across the board. There's no good way to do that on the PS3, but the new version allows for conference remapping, to a degree, and replacing schools with user-built ones, so Nebraska is always the first to go, typically replaced by Reznor University or maybe Gotham City.

[daethkow.livejournal.com]

Here's the scenario I fear. The Chiefs win enough ... JUST enough to get out of the Andrew Luck lottery. And who slides in and takes him? That's right: INDIANAPOLIS.

At the same time, the team isn't as bad as previously thought, as *I* previously thought at least. But it will be a long year if we have to get Matt Cassell to cuss out his head coach before he plays like a competent quarterback. Steve Breaston is working himself in nicely, Dwayne Bowe is actually catching passes, and even Sabby Piscitelli is making a decent play once or twice, proving if nothing else that a stopped clock is right twice per day.

KSU is ranked ... for now. I'm ecstatic about it, really. I just hope the animal husbandry department is hurrying up with it's Bill Snyder cloning project.

Reading on ESPN that the Big 12 is splitting the LHN revenue evenly, which means that maybe Texas finally realized that they were shitting where they ate. It'll be interesting to see who the Big 9 makes a play for, and that search will be a lot easier now, methinks.

I adore the Tony Romo era; Jake Plummer for our time.

And if I ever meet Ryan Succop, the first thing I'm going to say to him is, "I'm a big fan or your work, and I've been making fun of your name for the last three years. It's just my ritual, I don't really want you to get me some coffee, wash my car, or pick up my dry cleaning. I'm sorry."

[sigma7.livejournal.com]

I'm trying not to get horribly excited about K-State's ranking. I mean, I'm gratified, but #20 is way too high for a team that should be 3-1 if RG3 realizes he's a mortal quarterback. And considering they're still facing the real meat of their schedule -- I'm just enjoying this while I can. (And is it just me or did every damned football coach this weekend forget how to run a 4-minute drill? Run. The. Ball. Idiots.)

I'm still not entirely sold on the Big 12 longevity project either. It'd be nice to believe, what with contracts being signed and all, but weren't we here 13 months ago? I'm torn between wanting conference stability and for someone to just hurry up and kick the whole thing over and expedite the extinction of the NCAA. A man can dream.

The Chefs are just...baffling right now. I know I shouldn't be excited about a team that manages one offensive touchdown (assisted by Minnesota tackling brought to you by Crisco) and a torrent of field goals, but it's a damn improvement. Breaston is promising, but there's only so much he can do when he's got a lawn chair and umbrella in the end zone and Cassel's riding the Herp train all the way to Derpville. (I like to imagine that his argument with Haley involved multiple uses of the word "brah.")

I don't know what Ryan Succop really looks like, but I'm imagining him a lot like Neville Longbottom now.

I'm thinking it's a two-club race to the bottom between Indy and the Vikes, maybe Miami, and at least the Vikes have options at QB. Indy's just been unhinged since the untimely decapitation of Peyton Manning; I expect his head to turn up in a jar a la Futurama at some point. And they're going into tonight with just two QBs -- behind their line, that's about five too few. But I'm still not sure; based on last week, there are a ton of teams willing to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. I imagine Luck is considering taking an icepick to his ACL after this weekend (nice receiving TD, though).

Also, DAMMIT OHIO STATE can't you keep your players eligible for JUST THIS ONE WEEKEND? If there isn't a Buckeye logo in the NCAA rulebook next to "lack of institutional control" then just start cutting these kids checks and drop the pretenses already.

Time for Ambien. Which is just what Tony Romo said at this time yesterday, I think.

This really is the most wonderful time of the year.