Under anesthetic, subdivided and synthetic

I own five, maybe six football jerseys. They're all of the same player: twelve-time Pro Bowler and future Hall of Famer (Tiaina Baul) Junior Seau. I named the main character in my thesis after him. Have his action figures, have a collectible card of him dressed up like a stealth fighter. Calling him my favorite professional athlete is...yeah, pretty much right on the money.

And now he's dead at 43. Yes, this brings the '94 Chargers death toll up to eight, but none of them could be as much of a gutpunch as this (and nothing as shocking, reminding me too much of the sudden loss of Reggie Lewis 19 years ago). For now, probably the definitive word on the man comes from Eric Olsen, offensive lineman for the New Orleans Saints (distilled from his Twitter feed):

Wow this is a tough one.. When I was a frosh in HS Junior Seau worked the Jay Fiedler Football camp and at the end of one of the days he challenged any1 to a 1 on 1. Being one of the 'big' kids, I was volunteered by my buddies and went up in front of the whole camp to face...This monster of a man. Shaking in my cleats, he gave me a wink before a coach gave the cadence. He let me pancake him. And he sold it too...I can't even tell you how good I felt at that moment; it changed me forever. The whole camp cheered for me, a chubby kid that didn't know...If he even liked football. From then on I was addicted. All thanks 2 this 10 time all-pro that felt like making some snot-nosed kid's day...Doesn't seem like much but it meant a lot to me. Sorry for the essay just had to share. RIP Junior I'll never forget what you did for me.

In 1997, Junior won the NFL's Man of the Year award. Ten years earlier, Dave Duerson won that award. Last year Duerson texted his family to say that he wanted to donate his brain for research into the links between professional football and degenerative brain damage, then killed himself with a gunshot to the chest.

Former teammate turned commentator Marcellus Wiley said "Today is the worst day." I hate to admit it, but he's right. A flash of the lightning, a break of the wave....

So, yeah. Picspam. Many of these are (as Junior was) always in motion, so be prepared. Also find what appears to be a storyboard of the first draft of the Avengers script before Joss tightened it up. ( 36 pics below.... )

So I think Shit My Dad Says creator and San Diego Chargers fan Justin Halperin eloquently and concisely encapsulated my reaction to the news of BRING ME THE SKULL OF Norv Turner and AJ Smith being rehired:

OH MY FUCKING GOD. I DON'T EVEN- WHAT FUCKING GOD DAMMIT GODFUCK

Seriously, do that for about three hours as loud as you can in your head and that's where my internal monologue went. But it merely postpones the inevitable. I can haz skull.

( 64 pics below.... )

As noted by beagle1971 -- seven of the 53 members of the 1994 San Diego Chargers (who made it to, and got obliterated in, Super Bowl XXIX) have died before the age of 45. Linebacker David Griggs died in a self-inflicted DUI a month after receiving his AFC championship ring, running back Rodney Culver was killed in the ValuJet plane crash in the Everglades, and linebacker Doug Miller was struck by lightning -- twice. That's just cruel.

Speaking of inherent cruelty, I found 2011 playoff odds. If these numbers are to be believed, the Chefs are not mathematically eliminated. Granted, 0.6% is the smallest nonzero probability in the 32 teams, but that's better than Cleveland, Jacksonville, Indy, Washington, Minnesota, Carolina, Tampa Bay or St. Louis. The Bolts are hovering at 5.2%, which is delusionally optimistic, but that's math for you. The only team in the AFC to clinch so far is Houston, which has never been to the playoffs before. So, uhm, that's...atypical.

Interestingly, the Jaguars have placed 27 players on injured reserve this year. That's more than half a roster. At least they're still alive.

It is mathematically possible for both the Chefs and the Bolts to make the playoffs. This season.

Seriously, check the math.

It is exceptionally unlikely -- both teams would have to run the table and the Patriots would have to die in a plane crash or disappear into another dimension -- but it's not impossible. Though, even if we were to assume that the possibility of winning every game is a straight 50/50 (and San Diego, Kansas City and whoever plays New England are all going to be underdogs from here on out), those odds are 1-in-32768.

But I'm okay with the Bolts pancaking the rest of the season, because there's only one thing on my Christmas list this year. Yes, the skull of Norv Turner. And if you have to wait until January 2 to get it to me, I...reluctantly understand. I am magnanimous and gracious in my unrelenting thirst for a specific set of headbones.

Tonight, Community and Thursday Night Football, New York Jets at the Denver Tebow. I'm not sure if Community or the Broncos option offense will last longer, but I know at least one of them is going to get drilled into the ribs and planted into the ground, and it's probably the wrong one. I know I'd rather watch "Remedial Chaos Theory" repeatedly more than most NFL games, and that's saying something.

( 62 pics below.... )

Not a fantastic weekend of athletic diversion. As of this writing, Philip Rivers has thrown for four touchdowns. Pity two of them were to the wrong team. Dammit, Phil, you're making life very difficult for even your most devout apologists. Sigh. Still, I blame Norv Turner. Have I mentioned that I need you to bring me the skull of Norv Turner? 'Cause I do. ( 46 pics below.... )

Of course, every picspam comes with the plea that someone, anyone should BRING ME THE SKULL OF NORV TURNER, just tonight more than most. It's Bolts-Chefs (aka the Divided Loyalty Bowl) on Monday Night Football, and given that this weekend was an absolute pigskin suckfest, I'm...worried. As long as nobody gets critically injured (and the Chargers stop putting concussed players back into the game to the point where they have seizures on the flight home for Christ's sake) then I'll be...eh, somewhat satisfied. That said, Phil, your team is the blue-and-yellow, not the red-and-white, okay? There WILL be a quiz, a 60-minute-long quiz. ( 65 pics below.... )

Oh, Tony Romo. You're playing so badly that you're pissing me off, and I don't like you or the Cowboys. Please keep it up; it's hysterical. Also, Calvin Johnson -- damn. You have earned the right to call yourself "Megatron" or whatever other Transformers-based nickname you want. Though "Calvinus Prime" still has a certain ring to it. Also tests positive for energon cubes.

Damn, break up da Chefs! No more #32 in the power rankings no more! I'm sure Ryan Succop is all, "Who's Mr. Irrelevant now, bitches?" Also, if I were a quarterback in this league, the first thing I would be afraid of is Tamba Hali. Force of nature, that man.

Redskins safety Oshiomogho Atogwe is a comic book geek. “The Red Hulk’s craaazy. Craaaaaaaaazy.” I can't tell you how happy this makes me.

Houston would've beaten Pittsburgh by about a billion points if they hadn't tried to systematically commit every penalty in the playbook. Made the game more watchable, at least.

I give Tony Sparano 18 more hours of employment at best. (Note quarterbacks playing against San Diego: account for Eric Weddle on every play in the last six minutes of the game.) Also my favorite description of Philip Rivers in a long time -- "who one of these days will forget to release the ball at the end of his motion and wind up throwing himself fifty yards." [Edit: okay, so apparently he's safe through the bye week. What. The. Hell. If you're going to make a coaching change mid-season (and given Miami's 0-4 record and disgusting public flirtation with the now-taken Jim Harbaugh, do you really see this relationship panning out?), do it during the bye week. Give your team some time to adapt. Unless, of course, you've written off the season already, and honestly, firing your coach is a pretty telltale sign that you have.]

Also, AH HAAA HAAA HAAA WISCONSIN BWAAAA HYAAA HURR HAAA HUK KUH COUGH COUGH HRMMYEAAAHH HAAA HAAA etc.

In other news, my NCAA Football 12 Road to Glory running back is just starting his junior year, having won the Heisman his sophomore year. Oh, and leading his team to two perfect undefeated consecutive seasons (beating Utah in the Orange Bowl last year). Naturally, they're ranked 19th going into the next season. The polling AI is still appallingly lifelike in its capriciousness. Probably because our QB is dumber than a bag of hammers and thinks (along with our coach) that he's an option threat (hint: he's not -- ranked 76 overall, which confers the speed and agility of your average kitchen stove) and gives up on passing plays before anyone can run a route. If I could, I'd totally organize a soap party with the rest of the team. I just hope he's graduating soon.

Also, Arrested Development is comiOH COME ON YOU'VE BEEN SAYING THIS FOR YEARS SHUT UP AND DO IT AND STOP TAUNTING ME DAMMIT.

Finally -- congrats, homecoming queen Mariah Slick.