GDBM: Darth Maul's Big Adventure

[sigma7]

Hey, everybody. This installment's a little weak, forgive me. We'll get back to the Goddamn Batman tout de suite, promise.




The Legion of Doom enjoys a calm, peaceful meal together. Mainly because Lex isn't back from Evil Taco Cake Bell yet.


Neighbor Sam Sloane: I find the judicial system in this country utterly corrupt and without redemption. We need to find a better way.
Boba Fett: Hey, Sam. Would you consider yourself to be...villainous, by chance? Any...tendency toward...doom?
Darth Maul: *thinking* Why does Luthor get to run a business? Who made him boss?


The galaxy's greatest bounty hunter finds self-expression in the time-honored Mandalorian tradition of assembling bundles of daisies. There's a reason they died out.


"Yes, I'd like to purchase a community lot, please, the Bluewater Village Micro Mall. My account is under the name 'motherlode.' No? Try again. ...Try one more time. Good. Thanks."


"And while I've got you on the line, I'd like to pick up some instruments and obnoxious sports decor for the house. Do you have a violin? Excellent."


"You wouldn't happen to have any Batman-themed beds with NFL bedspreads, would you? What, we get a free Disney bedspread if we buy the entire AFC West? Sold!"


Riddler: Dude. Get out of the house before Luthor gets home.


"Yeah, I've looked over your résumé and I think you have what it takes to be a part of the Darth Maul team, and I realize it's just after midnight, but we're having a...hey. Hey. We're not open yet, blondie."


Yes, the second customer is a Trill, Tammy Trilby. We'll get back to her later.


Darth Maul's first two employees seem more than content with being paid to stand around in the dead of night and...not work.


Darth Maul: Okay, I've got your work uniform picked out. Here.
Amber Jones: Put 'em up! Put 'em up!
Darth Maul: ...Excuse me. Working here.


"I have good news and bad news, Beret McPunchy. The good news is you're getting a raise."


"And here's the bad news. Just a reminder that ankle sprains are not covered under the Palapine Health Plan."
"Are you conducting psychological warfare on one of your cohorts in the Legion of Doom?"
"...I don't know what gave you that idea."


"Hello and welcome to Green Lantern/Green Grocer, I'm cashier #2814, can I help you?"


"Mr. Maul, why does the restocker not have a degrading uniform?"
"Because she's seventy years old and I don't have anything adequately mockworthy for her."
"Isn't that discriminatory?"
"Probably, yeah."



"Like, ohmigawd, you are going to love this fresh produce. You must have some."
"Uhm. All...all right."
"Super! I like you!" *pat pat*


"Ma'am? Would you be interested in a free makeover?"
"...From...from you?"
"Why not?"


"Do...do you have any formal training in the cosmetic arts?"
"Nope!"
"What about...what about creativity? Anything?"


"Not as such, no."
"So why should I do this, again?"
"You're wandering a mall at three in the morning. Tell me you have something else better to do."
"You make a compelling case."


*snip snip snip*
"So I'm thinking of opening my own hairstyling place. Calling it 'Turn Your Head and Coif.'"
*snip snip snip*
"You'll like this look. My mom taught it to me."
*snip snip snip*


"And...voila!"
*quiet scream*
"Is...is that a good scream or a bad scream?"


*gets star*
"Oh, excellent, then!"


*customer struts*
"I'm sorry, are we in danger of flooding this morning?"


"Your good review: let me show you it."
Maul: *agape in disbelief*


Maul: Okay, out! Everyone out! I've got a good review and I don't want to jinx it. We're closing, yes, that's right, four hours after we opened. Do not argue with me, I have a double-bladed lightsaber. Somewhere.


Maul: "Hey, looking good, Tammy."
Tammy *thinking*: I can't feel my face.


"...I am a paragon of might on the battlefield and in the greenhouse...."


"So, what did the green pepper say to the onion?"


"He said, 'Don't look now, but I think...' AUGH DAMMIT NOT MY FINGER AGAIN HEY IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A VEGEMATIC OR SOMETHING?"


Boba Fett has found his true calling: music and dance. Yes, this will be excruciating for everyone involved.


Baroness: You know, I am not having training music either. Let us practice. I shall do the fiddle.
Sam: AAA MY EARS ARE BLEEDING


Maul: Hey, just wanted to say I've got my own business and it's nine times better than yours and your little costume is stupid and I'm going to take out the trash now okay thanks bye.
Luthor: ...I'm sorry, what?


Baroness: I call this one 'Disgruntled Feline in Washing Machine,' yes.
Sam: I HATE YOU AND YOU SUCK AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING


*snrf twitch*


Fett: Okay, so what do the little black keys do? Do they make sounds, too?
Baroness: *scriick scriiiiick sriiiiiiiick*
Sam: *frothing*


"Yes, a butler. Do you have one named Alfred? Okay, what about Jarvis? No? Who do you have? Clyde? Hrm, no, not quite. What about a Ralph? No?"


"I have...hired a butler!"
"Dude, we've got cheat codes, it's not like we can't afford it."
"Shhh!"


Maul: So Luthor, I hope you....
Luthor: If this is about the decor, if this is about the bedspreads, if this is about any of the mutliple atrocities you have inflicted in our communal sleeping area, I do not want to discuss it, you slovenly simpering Sith, I just want to sleep after what has been the longest day of my life, and consider me dropping the subject the greatest kindness I could possibly bestow upon you.
Maul: Okay. I just wanted the Raiders bed.
Luthor: Ungh. You can have the Raiders.


Baroness: Ah, good mornink, Riddler! We are wearing the same paggiamas.
Fett: Uhm, I'm Boba Fett.
Baroness. I sorry, I am the getting of you confused.
Fett: I'm the one in the helmet. You know. Mandalorian helmet. Greatest warriors the galaxy has ever seen. He's the one in the fey little domino mask.
Baroness: I sorry, I did not watch the Star Trek.


Fett: Hey, Amar, what's going down?
Amar: Good morning, Master Fett. *sigh*


Fett: WAZZUP?
Carpool driver: Dude. That reference is, like, ten years old.
Fett: I prefer not to acknowledge pop culture that's less than ten years old.
Carpool driver: Why not?
Fett: All sorts of pop culture. You know. TV shows. Movies. Newly-released movies. From the last ten years. That sucked. With computer-generated crap and obnoxious little kids and....
Carpool driver: Okay, I see where you're going now. Buckle up.


Riddler: Today I am but a humble gumshoe. Some day I shall become a space pirate. Because you gotta have goals, right?


Fett: Oh God, oh God, decisions, decisions...uhm. Sell the album! That's one less I have to do inventory on!


Fett: Sweet.


Amar: Jumping rope in the kitchen, are we, sir, in our paisley pajamas?
Maul: I cannot resist the finer things in life, Amar.
Amar: Indeed, sir.


Yes, one of Lex's wants is to buy new clothes and all I can say is it's about damn time.


Baroness: Yay! We are all being the imaginary llama for the regional sports affiliation!
Maul: I like it! It's like skipping rope, but with more wool!
Luthor: *furious sigh* This is going to be the longest car ride of my life.


Fett: My days of basking in the creative glow of the Max Rebo Band are finally paying off.


Baroness: Burger? Salad? I...I am not liking of the salad. I am working the burgerses.


Baroness: Ach, ptui. Sad little burgerlings. Hard to be the cook good when you are beset with llama on head.


Maul: For some reason I'm hesitant to adopt a mantle with the name "Limpy," but what the hell.


Maul: AHA! I shall put these newfound skills to use managing my mall! In fact, I think a change of name is in order....



...I'm so very, very sorry....

From the credit-where-due department: that snazzy female Green Lantern outfit is chaobell's, and while I didn't have call for a GL in the story, the outfit just caught my eye when I was flipping through looking for work uniforms. Nifty, ain't it?

Comments

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

Darth MALL? Oh dear god.

This is the very best sort of crack.

[vulpisfoxfire.livejournal.com]

Indeed...sigma7 needs to be raised on a pedestal, showered with medals...and then flogged by a hot woman in leather for those puns. ;-)

[vulpisfoxfire.livejournal.com]

On second thought, scratch the hot woman in leather--*I* want the the Baroness. sigma7 can be flogged by Lex, instead. ;-)

[rewil.livejournal.com]

I greatly approve of this and all it stands for.

[former-callixte.livejournal.com]

I'm over here from s_d. These are HI-larious!! I must friend you. Please keep these coming.

[daethkow.livejournal.com]

I thought you said this one was weak?

[lacrimaeveneris.livejournal.com]

Darth... Mall? Oh DEAR. :) I love it!

[kamino-neko.livejournal.com]

Well, you delivered on the 'worst possible pun' promise...

[chaobell]

Ooo, is that my Green Lantern costume I see thar?

If so, I will just be over here in the corner squeaking and flailing and spewing hearts everywhere. eeeee, that makes me happy. ♥♥♥

[sigma7.livejournal.com]

You know, it is! I wasn't going to do anything Green Lantern-y, but when I was flipping through looking for a good work uniform, that one stuck -- very crisp, very nicely done.

[chaobell]

Aw, thanks! Man, I forgot I even put that on MTS2. I think I have Kyle's first GL costume around here too, but I haven't put it out for public consumption because the mask sucks. I might tinker with that again someday.

I kind of burned out on Sims for a while, but now that there are many expansion packs and much better custom content, I have gotten re-hooked. \o/

[tuff-ghost.livejournal.com]

I'm another from s_d who was compelled to friend. Please keep going with these hilarious posts!

Darth Mall

[thatnickguy.livejournal.com]

*thumbs up* I approve.

Then again, I tell a LOT of bad puns, so by default, I have to give the thumbs up to all of them.

[missmiah.livejournal.com]

Damn you, Sig. Now I want to reinstall Sims2 on the computer and I know it won't be able to handle any expansion past whatever the one before Seasons was.

[cookie-mccool.livejournal.com]

Now I know why Boba Fett was always my favorite as a kid. He is a piano-playing, finger gun-shooting snapdragon bouquet of awesomeness. Talk about the apotheosis of cool.

[beagle1971.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the Darth Mall.

And I'd shop at Hastings much more often if the staff had to wear superhero costumes. Heck, I'd shop anywhere that did that. Ah, to be the CEO who institutes that policy.