Selected horoscopes....

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You are possessed with abilities far beyond those of mortal man, but if your super-heroic origin story ever got out, no one would take you seriously.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You thought you'd seen the worst humanity had to offer, but that was before you read fan-fiction set in an alternate universe where Hawkeye Pierce and Father Mulcahy are lovers.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
There will finally be a call for restraint among athletes, but not before Joe Horn does a taunting victory dance over the burst ribcages of your family.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
With winter upon us, it's time to reflect, take stock of our lives, and maybe wear a skirt that covers your thighs, you slut.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Somehow, you don't believe your boss when he tells you that your coworker of 12 years went off to live with a nice family on a beautiful farm.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
It's often hard to say goodbye, but that doesn't excuse your practice of throwing down a smoke bomb and escaping in the confusion.

TSA now accepting applications -- no brain stem required

NEWARK, New Jersey (AP) -- Baggage screeners at Newark Liberty International Airport spotted -- and then lost -- a fake bomb planted in luggage by a supervisor during a training exercise.

Despite an hours-long search Tuesday night, the bag, containing a fake bomb complete with wires, a detonator and a clock, made it onto an Amsterdam-bound flight. It was recovered by airport security officials in Amsterdam when the flight landed several hours later.

And George "WMDs are a slam-dunk!" Tenet gets the Medal of Freedom. I'm not usually a praying man, but save us, Superman.

Thematic: Washington Nationals baseball suspends operations, relocation deal in jeopardy. File this under schaudenfreude.

Identity Crisis #7: All denoument from here

Uhm, yeah. That was...er, something else. ( Slight -- but not the major -- spoilers herein. )